POSER (urban dictionary) n.
1.one who pretends to be someone whose not.
2. who tries to fit in but with exaggeration
So for a while now the church and I have talked about putting my sermons on our website and in podcast form. Now there is already a sermon on the site from last Christmas and for the last few weeks I have been trying to get a voice memo from my ipad (which I preach from) to the website. This has been a surprisingly difficult task, although the most difficult part is remembering to push the record button…
Anyway, I finally did it on Sunday. I didn’t get the scripture reading, but I did remember in time to begin the sermon… *sigh* but I realized now that it’s recorded, it will be out there for all to hear. And for some reason I got really nervous all of a sudden. I preach to approximately 100 people on any given Sunday, but it was not them I was nervous about. It is first, putting it on the internet full of people to critique whom I do not even know, which in my head I know not to pay attention to, but my real concern is my fellow preachers, colleagues, and friends.
I know that it is a big presumption that my friends will even listen to my sermons, in fact I know my Best Friend Melissa doesn’t even read this blog (in all fairness I didn’t always read hers when she blogged). But I am worried that they will find me lacking, hearing me preach week in and week out.
I know worship is an experience, and I myself am an experience- a whirlwind, a creative force, a freak of nature. It is who God created me to be and I have simply resigned myself that no matter how many times I try to stay out of things, I will always enter into them. God created me this nosy, bossy, dynamic, energetic, envelope pusher that I, sadly, fight against everyday.
What God did not create me to be was unauthentic. It is not in my nature to be someone else and preaching is at the heart of that for me. Preaching is the moment each week that I live into God’s call in my life… or not. And I am worried, I guess, that others will hear them and think, “what a poser.”
I understand this is an irrational fear but there it is. So, the only way to get over a fear is to push through it, so here it is, my sermon from this week, the first of many of my heart that I lay at your feet: