I am participating in the UncoSynchro blog, a writing collaborative effort from #UNCO, focusing on subversive themes of faith and life. The theme for February is (un)Loved.
“Today’s not a good day” I have muttered more times in the last year than I care to admit. I’ve had very little “wins” lately. Some, yes, it could always be worse. I know it really could, that is not exactly the point.
Triggers are all around me, it’s amazing what sets me off. I am astonished at my ability to stand sometimes, and sometimes, I don’t.
I fell last week. I was safe, I was with friends, I cried, I lost it completely, I let myself feel all the feels and did my best to make them all go away. I yelled and screamed and allowed myself to “blow off some steam” probably a little too much.
I am, surrounded by people who love me, who understand, who are compassionate and caring. But I still feel the pain of rejection. I still feel the pain of being unloved. Of believing I am unlovable.
I’m so good at “holding it all together” (or at least I used to be) that I am so embarrassed when I finally let go. I apologize profusely. I can’t stop apologizing. I feel unlovable. My friends love me, for reasons surpassing understanding.
But now what? This cycle cannot continue, or can it? Why do I feel that I have to hold it together all the time? The truth is I’m not, in fact, I suck at it right now, pain leaks from the pores of my being. But I FEEL like I have to hold it together. There’s a big difference.
Maybe I wouldn’t binge my pain and the need to numb if I allowed myself to do it more often. Maybe I just need a whole lot more therapy… Maybe I need to understand what Paul teaches me in the letter to the Romans. There’s NOTHING I will ever be able to do or not do to make myself unlovable to God. Ever.
So here’s my challenge to myself. I will love the most unlovable person I’ve ever met. Me. And I will release the feels and I will pray for forgiveness when I fall down (literally and figuratively).
Not a Good Day by Frances Copsey
I know you are angry, says God.
Your silence screams.
So get real,
be your hidden self with me;
the one that is not nice,
not nice at all.
Don’t be embarrassed,
bawl if you want to.
Kick and pout like a child;
I like children.
Yes, poo, tantrums and all, since you ask.
So when someone says, ‘Let us pray …’
Knot your arms and mutter,
If it helps,
it’s where you are just now.
And where you are is
exactly where I want to be too.