Living with Demon Days

Last night a friend who’s dealing with long term clinical depression came over to hang out. It’s a rare thing when someone who is deeply depressed can do that, I know it was hard for them and I am grateful for the time with my friend.

For those of you that don’t know my fiance Derrick lives with clinical depression, yesterday he wrote a blog about his depression called “Demon Days“. I invite you to read it. A few years ago I also wrote about demons in a blog post called I Am Not Jesus which may give you some other context about the demons reference. We call the voices that arise in our heads “demons” some people call them the saboteur. We all have them, but depression amplifies them a thousand fold.

My friend is single, and during the discussion there was some reflection on how it is that we, as a couple, navigate my fiance’s depression. More specifically there was a bit of worry, “will someone really love me if I have clinical depression, is that really possible?”

Because Derrick talks so openly about his depression others often find it helpful to talk to him, as I do other partners. I’ve been thinking for a while, about starting a Facebook support group around spouses of people with clinical depression. It’s important to talk about depression, but not just from the people who are experiencing it. There is another side, there are the people who live with the people, who love the people, experiencing it. And just like depression itself, there are healthy ways to navigate our relationship and unhealthy ways.

I have experienced depression, but mine is situational. Only a few times in my life have I been very depressed, it is not the same as clinical or chronic depression. However, those periods of my life have given me enough understanding to not only have sympathy but understand that this is not the same and I can never “completely” understand.

If you are a person who experiences clinical depression or partnered with someone make sure you educate yourself. Set aside the stigma, depression is part of the deal, it’s not going away. Medication helps, there’s nothing wrong with medication, but finding the right one is most important. Also, therapy! Derrick and I have individual therapists and a couples therapist. Remember what you’ve learned about co-dependency, you can’t fix this.

There’s nothing you can do to “make it all better” but there are certainly things that can make it worse or hurt the relationship. I will say too, that I have a partner who is active in managing his depression and it is a different conversation if your partner is not. Our relationship is built on trust that both of us will continue to manage our mental health and that means we sometimes have to say hard things to each other.  How do I do that? Here are some thoughts.

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Take Care of Yourself. I am a natural caregiver, I can go down into the pit of depression with him if I’m not careful. I often describe living with someone living with depression is like a dark grey cloud over my house. But the thing is, the cloud doesn’t just follow him around, if I have any compassion or empathy with my partner at all, when he’s depressed I am affected too. There are lots of articles out there about caregivers for people with physical illness, the rules apply here too.

I used to focus all of my care-giving on him, after all, he needed it more. Depression is a selfish beast, it wants it all and it will only take from you. If it does give, it gives in half-truths and hurtful projections. Depression demands isolation, that’s how it can control the person best. So as his partner I reach out to others who will listen and understand, whom we trust. I ask them to reach out to him. I cannot do this alone, I have to love him after all (says the demon). Friends want to help, they’re there to help, but sometimes they just don’t know they can until you let them know. I also reach out to friends for myself, and ask them to meet me for a drink, and get me out of my cloud.

You Have Needs Too. So, can someone really love someone with clinical depression and get their needs met? Absolutely. However, it takes a lot of self-confidence and a lot of confidence in the relationship. If you’ve entered your relationship knowing about your partner’s depression or it was undiagnosed (or they simply stopped hiding it) things will change when they have an episode.

I get a lot of my emotional needs met through Derrick. When I was new to the whole living with someone who lived with depression thing I put my needs on the shelf and thought I would wait it out. I thought this was the most helpful thing for both of us. Which is fine if it’s a bad day, is another thing if the episode goes on for a week/month or two or more.

This is where the trust in the relationship comes in. Be confident in yourself. By putting my needs completely aside for long periods of time resentment would build, because Derrick didn’t notice my needs weren’t being met or all the extra responsibility I had taken on and then I would break down too. (Guess what’s not helpful?) Depression sometimes looks like the person is being really selfish, when in reality it’s not selfishness, but there is a real inward focus. The demon demands constant attention and the rest of their energy is spent just trying to function.

So I trust that we have a good relationship, I trust that my needs are important, but I triage. I’ve learned to name my needs and ask for them when I really need him. Usually he can muster up enough energy to listen and love me, after all he wants to do that deep down, even if it’s hard. I also modify my needs. What is it that I really am missing?

The other day I was missing connecting with him, I wanted to talk about how sad he was and how I wanted to help, and how are you really doing? Yet, that wasn’t actually productive for either of us because he couldn’t tell me the thing he really wanted to say and I really wanted to hear: I feel all better. So I started to talk about something completely non-related, for us it might be football, a new Star Wars theory, something funny the kids did, his garden. We talked, smiled, even a laugh. Distraction is a wonderful thing. I got the one on one attention I needed, and he got to get out of his head for a minute.  Sometimes it’s just putting on a movie or binging a show we love and snuggling.

Timing is Everything. Do I really need to talk about the complicated intricate issue RIGHT NOW? (If you know me, you’ll know that yes, yes I do…) but do I?

If the depressive episode is lasting a long time or an issue can’t wait, simply mention it. We have a shared journal. Just a composition notebook, that slows down our collective processing. For the one not depressed some things can’t wait, or some things are hurtful. Write them down, tell them how you feel and what happened. They can write back after they’ve had time to process. It just makes things less urgent.

Not all things are written down, sometimes we do talk. The other day we were talking about an issue and it was triggering a demon. I stopped talking and asked if we could talk about it in therapy this week. I could settle my feeling of urgency to have resolution by knowing the time and place it would be resolved and he knew he could think about it at a time that he had the energy to.

Love Through the Pain. This is the most complicated one. Look for triggers. I often know Derrick is depressed before he can recognize it. I know because he’ll respond differently to a “normal” interaction or he’ll get quieter than usual, and sometimes it’s just a look in his eyes. I try not to project my sadness about it onto him (hello, therapist…). I also refuse to believe his demons when they get voiced. The demons create such a complicated web of self-loathing.

I refuse to give them power. I keep loving him as deeply as I would on his best day. I tell him twice as much how much he is loved, how grateful I am for him, and acknowledge even the slightest way he helped. I can do this because I am confident in his love for me and our relationship even if he can’t voice that in that moment. We have spent time talking about how Derrick really feels about me and how I really feel about him we’re both clear and I hold tightly to that truth.

When the demon rears its ugly head I can say to myself and to him, “I know that’s what you think right now but it’s not true.” When he’s not depressed he can unpack if I was helpful or not during the depression, each episode we can learn from each others needs how to love each other better.

This is neurological. If he could “be normal” (yes, I use in quotes, because depression just is part of their life) or “snap out of it” then he would (again, I’m assuming they’re taking care of themselves). They are not doing this on purpose and you certainly didn’t do anything wrong. There are certainly things that can make depression more manageable, like therapy, medication, and exercise. There are things they can do to make it less manageable like alcohol, drugs, and continued isolation. Most of the time something triggers it but it simply is a biological issue. If Derrick isn’t taking care of himself (like drinking too much) I say something. This is also love. At first I would recommend doing this in the context of therapy until you’ve established trust. Remember the demon will rile at the idea of being expelled so sometimes you have to learn to trust each other in a new way while they’re depressed.

And Be Thankful. Love and gratitude gets us through. Each day, depression or not, we talk about the things we are grateful for. I love Derrick. Derrick is both who he is depressed and who he is not depressed. I do not have to love the demons nor be grateful for them, but I do accept that they are part of him. Living in a posture of gratitude has changed my life for the better in every way.

I have demons too, but they look different. They’re a little more manageable and I know it takes time to tame them. I also know they appear at the most inconvenient times. Those who suffer from depression you are not alone. Those who love those who suffer from depression, you are not alone either. Soon I will set up a Facebook support group. Let me know if you want to be part of it.

Edit: the FB group has been started, DM me on FB if you would like to join.

Two Lovers, of Friends

“When you’re loved by someone you’re never rejected.” – The Avett Brothers

These are the words I clung to after my divorce. I believed them, I chose to believe I was loved, but it was not by my husband, and the rejection I felt was palpable. But I knew I was loved, and somewhere deep inside, I knew I was to be loved and cherished again, or like never before.

I wasn’t ready for Derrick. He wasn’t ready for me. We were broken and scared, we were damaged from our childhoods and our failed marriages. We were broken and holding each other together as friends. If you saw me two years ago you would see I was not ready, if you saw him you would know he was clearly not ready, but if you saw us together, you would have seen something else.

It was my friend Nick who said it, “You love each other, it’s obvious.” “I’m not ready,” I replied. “This is love, Shannon, real love, you don’t give that up.” And he was right. And damn was it hard to heal, but I had something, someone to heal for and it was worth it. As did he.

So we entered couples therapy and started the healing process together (yes, we were already in individual therapeutic relationships). We didn’t want to lose this love, and we fought for it together. We were worth fighting for.

Now, Derrick and I are getting married. He asked me on bended knee at the beach with beautiful words. He asked knowing I would say yes, but also knowing that that yes didn’t come easy. We worked for it. We learned to trust ourselves and each other.

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Derrick is kind and sensitive. When he says something, he means it, mostly because he’s thought it through more times than a stormtrooper misses a shot. To say he is thoughtful is an understatement, because he lives in his head. We are perfect compliments. He slows me down, and I help him function in chaos.

He loves his children and wants to do right by them, as do I. My children have become his children also and his, mine. We have become a family. Our wedding will be a moment to make that legal and publicly confess what already exists, this clan that we have created. It’s messy and complicated with ex-spouses and geography, and yet, so easy and natural when we’re all together as a family of six.

I love him so deeply, I have watched him fight for himself, I have watched him struggle to believe he is worthy of love and it has been my pleasure to love him the way all people should be loved. I have watched him choose to forgive sins that others call unforgivable. He embodies his beliefs and calls bullshit, when bullshit is due to be called, even when it hurts him to do so. He works for justice. I swoon.

He’s ridiculously silly. His laugh is infectious and the sound of absolute perfection.

He loves beer and bourbon and Star Wars. Each morning he brings me coffee in bed accompanied by a kiss. What more can I say? He’s perfect for me. Even when it’s hard he seeks to understand my crazy, but he also gets me. He’s my safe person, and embodies safety for me. Every time his giant arms encircle me I feel absolutely safe and loved. Something I have never felt before.

He loved me when I found myself unlovable. He loved me when he felt he had no love to give. We’re happy. We have a deep abiding love that cannot crumble under the chaos of life and the toxicity of this world.

I am eternally grateful.

Lest you think this love is one sided, you can read all about Derrick’s musings about me and our engagement in his blog post A Second Chance. Obviously, he’s also a little delusional…

I believe that love exists in all things. I believe there is life after death. I believe that God was with us in the midst of our grief, and is extremely joyous in our celebration. I believe we worked hard and will continue to work hard. I believe we will make it because we are better together.

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We will be married this fall among our closest friends in a private and intimate ceremony, among the people who loved us through the most painful and destructive parts of our lives. Who had the grace to embrace us as a couple.

The words from the Avett Brothers are still true, but the song in my heart has changed. Take a listen.

If it Weren’t for My Faith

If it weren’t for my faith this would be impossible.
If I did not have faith forgiveness would be impossible.
Absolutely impossible.

At times, sweet Jesus, you have tested me to the end.

I am so angry, I feel so betrayed, I feel so completely let down.
Why? I know I try to never ask, but Why?
Why since the beginning did you send people into my life who’s “love” looked a lot like a big pile of dogshit?

Why should I forgive when “they have nothing to ask forgiveness of me?”
Why does this keep happening?

I’m not some passive, innocent bystander.
I’ve attoned for my sins, openly, clearly.
I know how to take responsibility, and here it is, again.

I would quit. I really would. You’ve “tested” enough.
I’ve proved myself worthy, I have finished the race, and I want to yell, ENOUGH!!

But here we are. Fucking faith.
You push me to be better.

“Do you really believe this?”
“Do you really believe all things are possible?”
“Do you really think if forgiveness is extended you will be better, feel better, know better?”

Okay, that last one really isn’t a question…

“Do you want to be made whole?”
God asks me.
Yes, Lord. Please, please, please.

Then you have to forgive.
Again. And again. And again.

Damnit, faith. Just, fine! but also damnit.

Dear Rory Gilmore: An Intervention

Netflix announced yesterday that it is in early talks about making another “Gilmore Girls: A Year In the Life”. My response was admittedly unenthused after the first one, if they make it, I will probably still watch it, hoping and praying that Rory’s big news at the end will change everything. However, before I do, I need to have an intervention with Rory. This letter from a friend will contain spoilers, so stop reading if you don’t want to know what is happening in Rory’s life.

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Dear Rory,

I thought I would bring some friendly tv faces with me to smooth things over.

I was happy to hear your good news and even happier to hear it wasn’t the wookie. Now that you’re about to become a mother there’s a few things we need to talk about. I think this will be hard for you to hear, but it needs to be said.

You have become everything your mother hoped you wouldn’t. At 15 she was more together and mature than you are at almost 35. Throughout your life she dreamed of raising you without the snobbish privilege that she grew up with, she raised you as a friend and daughter, and wanted the best for you.

Despite her best efforts, you have lived into your full potential as a whinny, entitled woman of privilege. You think just because your mother struggled when she left behind the riches of her family means that you struggled too? No. It that’s not how it works, that’s not how any of this works.

When I met you at 16 you were shy, nerdy, and eclectic. I liked you immediately, but you were sheltered. I thought, “that’s fine, she’ll grow out of it.” I waited through your Chilton years for you to grow up, watching how people manipulated you and tricked you into trouble, you were naive and you learned to adapt, but by becoming them, using manipulation and passive aggressive tactics to get what you wanted.

You became closer to your grandparents, which is nice, but too often you used selfish child-like logic to solve very grown up problems. You could not see that there was a web of people effected by your actions. (I’m home from Yale, where are my movie channels?!? What do you mean sleeping with a married man is bad? He was mine first!)

That’s okay, you were young, but then throughout college you never seemed to mature. You threw fits and acted out in predictable ways, you made problems worse with your grandparents and allowed men to walk all over you. When you needed something you took advantage of the people around you to get it and you surrounded yourself with friends who treated you like dirt just so you could seem like the nice girl.

However, I am not above forgiveness, you were still young and as you went off into the world to be a journalist, I thought that would be your time to grow. We drifted apart, you and I, we hadn’t seen each other in 10 years. When you appeared back in my life I was excited, hopeful, and eager to see how you’d matured. I was disappointed to learn that you hadn’t.

So here it goes. Deep breath- Good God woman, grow up!

You tell me you have a boyfriend but can barely remember his name and string him along because you’re too “important” to break up with him. You’re not busy, you have no job and no life. You whore yourself out to Logan just to have a place to sleep while you “write a book” with a crazy woman. When you attend meetings with editors you are shocked and bewildered because they don’t simply hand over everything you could ever want. (I mean, don’t they know who you are?)

Nobody, you’re nobody.

All the while you’ve left your mother to deal with your grandmother’s grief and instead of coming home to help, you come home and disrupt her life as well. She is dealing with her own problems, she long ago established herself as an adult and is still waiting for you to do so. She’s worried about you. Everyone can see it.

So… you have about 6 months (approximately) left to hear this: GROW! UP!

Stop using and manipulating people. Sure, you learned that from your mom, but she batted her eyelashes for a cup of coffee and to get a broken window fixed. She didn’t walk all over people and then expect them to love you and give you everything anyway.

Stop taking your grandmother or your mother’s money. Get a job. Can’t get a job as a journalist? Then get another job. Stop sleeping with unavailable men because you feel abandoned by your father.

Get a therapist. (I cannot stress this one enough). Get a damn therapist.

You don’t need any more “getaways.” Stop letting people give you things. No more keys to houses in Maine. No more buying you cars or clothes, or renting out an entire bed and breakfast just for a night of fun. Don’t let anyone give you anything unless you’ve earned it, and being pregnant doesn’t mean you’ve earned it.

Look at the world through someone else’s eyes for once. Learn from your mother, don’t just copy her. If you want Logan in your life, then go after him. Just because it was right between your mother and father (remember they were 15/16) doesn’t mean it’s right for you too, you and Logan are grown ass adults, (at least in age.) And if you don’t deem him worthy to be in your child’s life then take a long look in the mirror my friend.

Most of all. It’s time to cut the umbilical cord from your mother. (your therapist can help you do this.) Mothers can’t cut it, we just can’t, you’ll understand in a few months. But when everyone else was doing it in their early 20’s you pretended to (redecorated pool house anyone) and couldn’t follow through, you couldn’t quite do it, you never have become an adult.

So, this is an intervention. I’m here for you, but I’m not going to enable you anymore. You’re no longer cute or charming, your manipulative and entitled and the only way to wash those sins from your life is to make the choice to grow up.

I’ll be here to love you, but until you can show me you’ve learned from your mistakes, I’ll admit I won’t be looking forward to our next meeting.

You’re in my prayers, Shannon


Note after publication: My friend Aaron wrote a letter to Logan, check it out.

Lent: Permission to be Human

Lent is my favorite church season, it allows our feelings of the darkness that is happening on this inside to be experienced outwardly. It is the season where we stop pretending that faith is easy and we walk a line of doubt and belief.

From dust we came, to dust we shall return. 40 days where we let our mortality show, and honestly, let God’s mortality show, through Jesus. During Christmas we emphasize how he was born of a woman and came to earth both fully human and fully God. We talk details about how fragile a baby he was, like any other. However, when you mix his birth story with the sensational story of his conception the human part of the story gets overshadowed (see what I did there…).

It’s the same thing with Easter. When we only focus on the sensational story of the resurrection, we miss the humanity of it all.

On the night of his arrest when the meal was over, Jesus walks into the garden, and he asks his companions to stay awake a while and pray with him. He goes a little farther in and prays to God. “Please don’t make me do this. Please.” He wails and gnashes his teeth, and pleads for his life. He does this three times and in between he finds his friends sleeping.

He is not whining, and I abhor the version where the “devil” is tempting him (in John’s gospel). Because it is this moment, here, why I am a follower of Jesus Christ today.

When I was in college I was a religious studies minor. I learned about God in all forms. I loved reading the sacred texts from different world religions and people’s experience of them. I liked to think through the implications of the belief that all things are sacred from different languages and different parts of the world.

After this, I asked myself, “Why do I want to be Christian when I see God in all these religions?”

I thought about where I had come from and what my history was, does it make sense for this Irish-German American to be a Buddhist? Then I didn’t care what it would look like. Then I cared again. Not so much the “look” from other people, but if I found the Sacred in many forms, why not go with the one my heritage taught? But I still needed one to “hook” me, I needed a passion for one religion over another and heritage wasn’t enough.

Finally, I got to the point where I asked, “What do I want most from God? What is the thing God can give me that the world cannot?”

The answer was fairly simple, it was the thing I had sought most in life: To be understood and accepted.

This wasn’t so much about church or community, I was seeking God, something more than humanity. I do not claim the yoke of Calvinism often, but I do when it comes to the sinfulness of humanity. I do believe in the human capacity for greatness, for goodness, but I also believe that it is we who create the bad in the world, not God.

As I sought acceptance and to be understood from humanity I found myself continually let down. Which is not those people’s fault as much as that gift can only come from God. We are all, if we know it or not, walking around trying to cope with being mortal.

In order to receive all my credits for the degree I had to take a class in Christianity. I had already received my call to seminary and was on my way. (I know it feels like I had done this backwards, but faith and life plans don’t always work together.) And so the only class available to me was Introduction to New Testament.

My faith had grown, I knew who I was, I knew who God was, and I was trying to reconcile the two. It was about this time of year when we were making our way through Matthew’s gospel. And there it was…

36 Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane; and he said to his disciples, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and agitated. 38 Then he said to them, “I am deeply grieved, even to death; remain here, and stay awake with me.” 39 And going a little farther, he threw himself on the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not what I want but what you want.” 40 Then he came to the disciples and found them sleeping; and he said to Peter, “So, could you not stay awake with me one hour? 41 Stay awake and pray that you may not come into the time of trial;[e] the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” 42 Again he went away for the second time and prayed, “My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.” 43 Again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy. 44 So leaving them again, he went away and prayed for the third time, saying the same words. 45 Then he came to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? See, the hour is at hand, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46 Get up, let us be going. See, my betrayer is at hand.” -Matthew 26:36-46

The world felt like it paused for a moment. I sat in awe. I wept.

Jesus, son of God, Word of God, the voice of God on earth, who came to earth so God may know us better, just did the thing I needed him to do the most. He grieved, he was scared, he was let down, he felt alone.

Now that’s a God I can get behind. That’s a God who gets me. That’s a God who will understand and accept me because in the end these moments are not weakness but strength, and this Christ knows it.

This story is read at the end of every Maundy Thursday service in my church, one of the last days of Lent and I weep every time I hear it.

It makes my experience of life and this world so fully understood and accepted. And I could not ask for more from my Savior.

I do not know what this Lenten season will hold. The world seems so dark. I do know that I will ask questions and explore my mortality through prayer that may include wailing and agitation and gnashing of teeth and that’s okay, after all, if it’s good enough for Jesus…

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The Spew Effect

Call it what you want: vomit, throw up, barf, getting sick, puke, heave, hurl… shall I go on? Probably not. (I don’t actually expect many people to read past here… but hang in there if you can).

We all have a gag reflex, and it’s a natural instinct that when someone throws up, we gag. Some are more susceptible to this than others, but we all have it. It’s like the worst empathetic reaction ever.

When it comes to actual vomiting I do not have a sensitive gag reflex, but when it comes to word vomit I do. Especially these days.

We’re not doing so well, are we? I mean we’re not in my little corner of the world. We’re pissy, we’re raw, we’re sensitive, we’re unable to contain our emotions at things that would normally roll off our back.

So we word vomit, we word vomit (if you’re like me) on someone we love because they’re safe. It could be a legit thing or not – chances are the thing that is causing you to vomit has very little to do with the person in front of you that you’re vomiting all over.

So… what happens now? The person gags. Maybe they gag and vomit on you, or maybe the sickness that has now transferred to them is lingering until the next moment and then BAM! They vomit all over someone else. Then they get the disease and spew to their people and they call a friend and spew to them and so on and so forth.

 

This cycle continues over and over and over again until it finally hits someone with a healthy immune system and is able to walk away unscathed.

I used to be that person, but not today. My vices are gone. I’m just off. And before you ask I’m doing all my self-care stuff but the world is a hard place, and we are all suffering. I am seeing my therapist, I am exercising (although I could ALWAYS do more) I am taking time away from social media but none of it is working. I still feel nauseous.

I usually chalk it up to an existential crisis, but the reality is, we’re all feeling this way. We are having a national existential crisis. We don’t know who we are anymore. We’re not confident in where we’re going or what the point of any of it is. We feel absolutely hopeless.

So we get mad at something, little things grate on our nerves and we blow up and spew all over the place and then they spew… and well, you get it. The leader of the free world is one big stomach flu infecting the world. It is makes us sick.

Friends, I don’t know what to tell you, but, we have to get better. We have to find a cure or an antidote. Even Star Wars Movies aren’t cutting it… and that’s saying something.

Usually I give the advice at this time to a person or a couple going through this, “be really good to yourselves” but I at least for me, it’s not working. I’m not doing such a good job right now caring for those I’m supposed to care for because I, the one who is supposed to be healthy, is spewing all over the place.

I don’t know what to tell us, except to acknowledge it, and possibly, embrace it… Let’s have moments where we “sound [our] barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world” like Walt Whitman. We need more screaming matches and physical activity to get this pent up frustration out. Hell, maybe we all just need to be having more sex!

We cannot function on this high of stress level. At worst we’re killing ourselves, and at best we’re weakening our immune systems to a point where we will have no defense left, no person to make the cycle stop.

So, yawp it up friends, and let’s do our best to contain our spewing to the places it causes the least harm.

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Reconciling Jesus

Here’s how my sermon prep really goes. I read the text, I pick liturgy and hymns a few months in advance, then I don’t really look at it again until the week of. Then I read commentaries are the text works on me (yes, works on me) through the Holy Spirit all week. I look for stories and modern day examples to use, but don’t write a lot of words down, maybe an outline.

I knew this week would be hard because it’s the first time divorce has come up in the lectionary since I’ve been divorced. I looked at past sermons, wow… did I not have a clue how hurtful this text was.

So, here’s my sermon from today, the congregation loved it but so did I. I took a deep breath and disagreed with Jesus. Then, I decided to reconcile with him too. God is not black and white friends, and we can’t take scripture that way either.

Have a listen:

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For Bowling Green

I wrote this piece for a group I blog for “RevGalBlogPals”. Thought you all might enjoy.

Okay, I totally wasn’t going to write about this. Really, I mean besides being kind of funny on some memes – is it really worth talking about? I mean should I give my time to she who speaks lies? Unfortunately, yes, and in this instance she’s hit home for me. As this RevGal was born […]

via Pastoral is Political: Massacring the Good People of Bowling Green — RevGalBlogPals

A Luminous 2017


For the last few weeks I have prayed about a word for 2017. Today, sitting in worship it came to me. 

In a meditative service I adapted at about 11:45pm on New Year’s Eve I wrote meditation questions for the new year. One was “What name has God written in your heart for this year?”

And there is was “and she will be called Luminous.”

Yeah. I can’t make this stuff up. 


Luminous. I like it. 

Throughout the Christmas season we read John 1, we talk about the light (Jesus) that shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it. 

This word has been working on me for a few weeks now. I noticed it on Christmas Eve when something struck me in a new way. 

At the end of Silent Night I stand in front of the congregation with my lit candle and say this:

Even though the light in our hands may be extinguished the light of Christ born in our hearts this night goes with us into the world to bring good news for all to hear. 

In other words, we are now the bearer of Christ’s light in the world. 

For whatever 2017 brings, I pray I can be a beacon of light. I pray I am up for the challenge. 

I anticipate a year where standing up to tyrany and hate will be needed. I anticipate a year when darkness will cover the face of the deep. I anticipate a year where in the midst of watery chaos and formless void that God will say “Let there be light” and declare the light good. 

I pray for new mercies and joy each morning. 

I anticipate a year of holding a torch for justice and candles of rememberance. 

God has called me to be a luminous light. If it be blinding and harsher that one would like, then so be it. 

For darkness cannot be driven out by darkness, only light can do that. (Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.)

May it be so for you and for me. Happy New Year Friends, may it be a Luminous Year!