Jealous

I received my first call to a church less than a month after my 25th birthday. The church wanted a young pastor, guess what? They go one! This meant, however, that the first decade of ministry was spent with the expression from others, “You’re so YOUNG!”

I didn’t have a response to this. It’s like when you’re 9 billion months pregnant and someone says, “You haven’t had that baby yet?” You want to retort “does it LOOK like I’ve had the baby yet?!?!?” (and expletives also filled my head). 

“You’re so young.” Yes. Yes, I am. I am an amazing accomplished young adult. I grew up and have gotten along better with adults than people my own age since I was 8. I was called an “old soul”. Life circumstances made me “wiser beyond my years”. At 25 I had been living as a self sufficient human being for more years than should be acceptable.

However, saying that because tiresome and downright rude, so I thought about it.

“You’re so young!” a person would say, “Oh, you’re just jealous!” I would say in a flirty but authoritative way that said, stop projecting your assumptions onto my age and judge me on my merits, also, I’m fun!

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to see the movie, Don’t Think Twice. It’s about an Improv group who has been together and they’re all trying to advance their careers, it’s a movie about being not-so-young anymore and wondering what the meaning of “success” is.

After, as we drank Sangria and ate Tapas we discussed this ying and yang of jealousy and competitiveness. There are some people made for a certain thing. In this instance one of the characters “made it” on to the Saturday Night Live type show. He was a showman, he was good with the scripted but not as good as some of the others with improv. However, he had “made it” and the others hadn’t.

Earlier that day, I was going through my mail at work. There was a large catalog for church books, which of course I was pouring through. A couple pages in, side by side, were two books my best friend’s from Seminary had written.

In seminary the three of us were besties from the first year. Faith, like mindedness, snark, and a limited number of outlets in the classroom brought us together. (literally, we fought over the one accessible plug, three of us for two plugs and yes, we did get an extension chord).

As I look back on that time I think about Paul in his Letter to the Romans:

We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us: prophecy, in proportion to faith; ministry, in ministering; the teacher, in teaching; the exhorter, in exhortation; the giver, in generosity; the leader, in diligence; the compassionate, in cheerfulness. -Romans 12:6-8

I was not jealous of my friends, I loved them and love them still. I want good things for them. I was them to succeed and be happy each according to their own gifts.

I do not say this to be pretentious. I have certainly been jealous of things my friends have done, but that jealousy comes from seeing that they carved out the time, or they made certain things bigger priorities than I did.

For instance, I am jealous of people who play the guitar, but I am smart enough to know that if I put the time and effort into learning to do so, I would. (side note: this type of jealousy excludes things we have little to no control over such as pregnancy).

They have done great things, but so I have. Each in our own way, according to our gifts.

I don’t get jealous easily but when you turn to competitiveness, I become enslaved. Jealousy has to do with having something someone else wants. I guess life has taught me that nothing comes easy for anyone, and if it does come easy than there are issues with that (entitlement, for instance). There’s always a catch.

Competition is different. Maybe it’s because I don’t go after something unless I really want it. Competitiveness hits me at my core. It’s personal. Why would someone want them, when they could have me?

Yes, I am this egotistical.

When my “Kool Kids” (yes, this is what we called ourselves, and specifically made the ironic “k”) respective books came out I was proud of them, I also felt this pull of jealousy/competition, (what had I done with my time since Seminary? should I be writing a book? Is that what I’m supposed to be doing?) It was about me, not them.

There is a scene in the movie (which I am going to get wrong) where one of the characters tells the mopey “why wasn’t it me” guy that he should stop looking to the one who “made it” work on his own strengths instead of relying on his friend to get hima  ticket on the success train.

This was a blip of a scene in the movie, but very poignant.

If you’re jealous of the people you are in competition with, then spend that energy focusing on yourself. What’s the saying? If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, then water your own grass.

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No one’s marriage is perfect. No one’s got it all figured out. If you want something, go for it and if you don’t get it or it doesn’t work out, reflect, regroup, and redirect your attention. (yeah, I totally just came up with that! See I’m awesome!)

Focus on yourself in healthy doses. And then, with confidence, the next time someone gives you a backhanded compliment you can exclaim with joy, “You’re just jealous!”

(You can buy Kool Kids books here and here. and we were cool way before Echosmith was even born…)

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Quitter

Something’s about to happen. Today a long awaited dream is about to come true. No, I’m not getting married (SO not ready for that…) I’m done having children, it’s something else, not bigger, not better, different.

Today a dream comes true.

After three years of hard work on a project (and years of work from people before that) the next steps are about to happen, and it’s amazing. There are hundreds of people that have made this possible, thousands of dollars, countless hours of hard work. Today 7 people will gather in a room and talk and I cannot sleep from excitement.

So why is it than when I awoke at 5:15 this morning all could hear is a voice in my head say, “you quit everything you’ve ever started?” Really? The demons are starting early this morning and they know right where to hit me.

I’m a quitter.

I pretend to claim it proudly. I quit things that are not worth it.

For years music was my life; I ate, slept, drank, breathed music, for all the wrong reasons. I have blogged about music over and over again. I love music, there is no doubt. But I performed it because I was good at it, not because I loved it. I was “successful” at it, it was my drug. I will always be thankful for music because it saved my life, in more ways than one. By the end of high school I was practicing 5 hours a day. I was playing pieces people twice my age and talent dreamed of, and I hated ever second of it.

I remember nothing but people pushing perfection because I was “so talented.” I wanted to be bad at it. Yes, partially because i am sick and twisted, but I did it for all the wrong reasons. I needed someone to be proud of me, for something, anything, and this seemed to be the thing they were proud of.

I love my sister, and I watched her struggle hour after hour in practice, I watched her be rejected audition after audition, I would have gladly given her my spot. Today she is an amazing music educator, I am ridiculously proud. I could never do what she does, never, I would not survive.

When I gave up a career in music and went to seminary I was called a quitter. I was told I was throwing my life away, a lofty career. In what? I thought. In self hate? Because that’s where this was going, I was already there.

Every time I see a dream succeed the demons return. I’m a quitter. I’ll find a way to turn success into failure.

Maybe this is why I’ve always loved the idea of community so much. If a group succeeds it’s the success of the group. If there’s a failure on the part of the group, I’ll take the blame in public (and usually blame everyone else in private but that’s a different confession for another time).

The book of James says that all boasting is evil, and okay… whatever. But I will say this. I never want credit for success because I am terrified that every thing I touch will fail. How sick is that?

It’s sick, but it’s true.

Today a dream comes true, I will try, I promise, to bask in the glory. I will try, I promise, to that the people who made it possible, and I will, to the best of my ability, try to not consider myself a quitter. This was not an easy task, I had a TON of help. Thanks be to God. Amen.

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Yesterday, I Floundered

Yesterday, I floundered. 

I came into work on time, had goals and an agenda, a list of things to get done, yet accomplished none.

It was a long day, it was a good day, but no “work” accomplished

What does this mean for productivity?

Inner work was accomplished, friends were healed, I was healed by them

How do I define a successful day?

The checklist remains unchecked, 

but the mind’s eye, the soul of my soul,

is rooted

is alive

is reaching out

 

This is success beyond success.

This is accomplishment

So shall we flounder again today?